Y I Didn't Use Why
by ben ohmart
=09The 2 golden hairs were at the table opposite "doing" something, and i=
t looked like lunch, so here I was trying to be posh and remove the W H f=
rom my WHY. Finest restaurant: uptown NY. Jay had a boil on his breath - =
what do I mean? Don't ask - and I was trying to get him to cough up in th=
e direction of the Other table, the one with the huge tub awaiting dirty =
dishes, when, scratching myself between the leather interior seat and my =
person, I as I said had this intense posh attitude coming on. Jay'd said =
something stupid that he thought hadn't ever been verbalized before, and =
I started on my tongue.
=09Now the hard part of course was stopping it dead right there before it=
had even made a sound. But okay. There it wasn't. The W. Okay. And then =
I made to stop again. Fine. H. Great. It looked like it was going through=
, and I still had my friend's attention, and then I simply asked, "Y does=
it Matter if the Celtics don't have a man on third?"
=09The impression, the result was two-fold. They were looking at me. One =
did the universal I Want You sign of a flick of head hair, and their eyes=
went down from their full water glasses to me, and down to their check b=
eing smothered by a gold American Express card. Did the brunette bite her=
lip? I couldn't see, having to use both eyes on 2 people, but the first =
part was achieved. Was great. And I could tell the 2nd of that fold was t=
rue because they never even gave Jay a terrorist stare. I had their atten=
tion. And. They thought my friend had said something to their equivalent =
of diarrhea on mini-skirt night. Good.
=09Fine. They were impressed. But. They were getting up to leave.
=09"Jay. Piddles," I said for an excuse, and lucky for me the men's room =
was a room away, because I Know he would've followed my sunset red tie ha=
d he known my prize was tail.
=09And I must explain the full sight I got when I went to the coats. They=
were putting them on. I had a glance, a brief to see them all tightened =
up in the snake skins which contained them. Nothing so exotic, but one wa=
s in red, and one form in blue and I thought to myself I was going to die=
if someone were to hand me some 3D glasses.
=09But they giggled, and that was a sort of intro. So I did myself over.
=09After that was the sex. Nothing fancy, but when you go 3ses you figure=
"Look at how much money I'm saving". Still I told them it was incredible=
, and they went for smoked oysters while I took apart the KFC snack box. =
They were starting up another giggle run, and I took it apart with a plea=
about finger licking. They went for it, and I thought "This is going to =
save me a trip to the kitchen", but it was unbelievable. No spit left in =
them, and it was making me mad.
=09So I moved the chicken box for a quick get up, when I noticed the whit=
e napkin jr. resting in a pleasant plastic creation. A little spoon was a=
lso in there, but I just ripped open the plastic. I was in a hurry. You o=
nly have a good half hour for these things, and I still had to think abou=
t getting the car or leaving it where it was and jaunting it back to work=
=09Taking the square of napkin, I began to work with it, but it clearly w=
asn't into collaboration. The damn thing came apart. Several times. And t=
hen, when you didn't think it had the atoms left, splitting aGain it was =
=09My hands felt like cardboard, and the golden ones were laughing again,=
and annoying..! But I looked at them again, and it struck me that the li=
ght had changed them both into blondes again. I seemed to recall a brunet=
te. It was weird; and depended on where in proximity to them you were sta=
nding or sucking.
=09My God. They had the giggles, and when you go into pitch like that, I =
wanted my car keys. But my damn hands wouldn't go in my pockets! I tried =
digging them down and then a little further.. and there wasn't any go. Th=
ey just kept there. Right at the sides, with my fingers scrapping these s=
tupid KFC minute papers to the sides of my pockets! AAAaarrrhhnncninq!!
=09And STILL they were laughing!
=09Knees up to legs, I paced a little, and kept trying my pants until I w=
as making them come down, and it started the women (who weren't even wort=
h it) howling again. Until it subsided. Not my problems, but the aggravat=
=09The one who was always blonde said, out of breath, but with enough, "4=
=09"My God!" I shouted, instantly looking at the watch that hadn't beeped=
=09A tinkle together of laughter, and the other tried, "No... n... o....n=
=09I was standing there. And they were laughing at me. That's what it was=
. The honest truth, and I was thinking. But I wasn't thinking. They were =
just - there. And I was... I was trying to understand. But they wouldn't =
let me. Just kept on - and on, and on with the laughing that turned to gi=
ggling to laughing and I didn't - so there my hands were, and the first c=
lue I had was with the one who was looking brunette, screaming at me. The=
n. I wasn't thinking for a while. And then, my next thought was on the So=
und she made. The brunette. And I laid her head gently down on the pillow=
=09It was all quiet now.
=09So I went to the bathroom to try to wash some of this damn napkin stuf=
f off my hands, and still, no go.
=09The hell with iting, I just did up my fly, easily I guess because it w=
as metal, and just went to work in the first cab that stopped.
=09I was 5 minutes late, but what good is being your own CEO if you can't=
be lax with yourself then and now, but I passed Jay at his desk, and he =
scolded me just like an employee can about the shit at dinner, and I didn=
't explain, "There were these..." and let it go. He'd laugh with me tomor=
row. Too much work now.
=09The next day. The paper on the desk. My thumb missed a page and I was =
spread with the Local section for a second. About these 2 murdered women,=
and the baffled police. Seems there were no fingerprints. And I remember=
looking at my hands to see if it'd come off yet.